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3 posts from September 2010


The People in My Neighbourhood (Vol 1)

He rose up out of the pavement on my way home. Maybe he popped out of an alleyway. Both seem equally plausible. He was very short. Not unusually short, but short. He wore a track suit and sunglasses. It was 2:30 am. it was misting rain, I was walking home, alone, looking much like a drowned rat. Again. It went like this...

"Damn, girl. You so fi-ine. Mmm hmm. Girl, whas yo' name? Mine's Big Splay-ash. Girl, i know what you thinkin'. Mmmm hmmm. Why Big Splay-ash? Well, Big Splay-ash named Big Splay-ash, because Big Splay-ash don't drink. So, if you think I'm gettin' in yo' face because I been drinkin', damn, girl, you wrong. Whas yo' name?"


"Mmm hmmm. Damn, girl. Hilary. Mmm hmmm. Exotic. Hilary. Thas exotic"

I could say the same about you, Big Splash.

Big Splash is walking backwards, as I speed up. We are getting dangerously close to my house.

"So, you and Big Splay-ash gonna hit the cluuub? Mmm hmm, we gonna hit the cluuub."

You know, Big Splash, I'm exhausted. Thanks, but I think I'm going to head to...

"Big Splay-ash ain't a guy you meet on the street. Big Splay-ash want yo' number."

Two blocks away.

Big Splash, you've lost your friends. I think you should head back and find them...

"Big Splay-ash is doin' his degree in po-LEE sci up at the York University. Big Splay-ash gonna wait till he gets yo number. You gonna like Big Splay-ash's dancing. You gonna dig us at the cluuuub"

Silence. We are one block away.

"It start with a four or with a six?"

Call it female intuition, but Big Splash does not live here. Big Splash commutes. Big Splash makes it down to the cluuuub once a week, and Big Splash wants to avoid the drive home. It is 2:45 am. Big Splay-ash is desperate. 

Big Splash. Look. Here's my number. You can call it any time, but I can promise you, I will never pick up. 

"No problem. Big Splay-ash gonna tex.                    When, exactly, should Big Splay-ash tex you? Should he tex you tonight? Should he tex you in the morning? Should he tex you now and then jus' wait for you to tex back?"

Play it by ear, Big Splash, just please don't expect a response. 

A selection of "texs" from Splash:

Dem girl. U r so hot. We need to link up. It's big splash.  (3:22 am)

Dem girl. U r so hot. We need to link up. It's big splash (3:35 am)

Sup sup sup

Hi Hilary?

Feeling stupidly guilty and kind of stunned by the persistence, I respond with: hi. I basically haven't left the office since we met. Hope all's well

Omg. u r a workaholic


How r ya

Let chill sometime. I know u r a workaholic



Its big splash

This still your phone?

I'm at the club. 


Stalker & Awe

I have spent the last year of my life writing a comedy about personal investment. It's called Stock & Awe, and it launches on the Business News Network on Thursday October 7, at 8 pm. The good news is, if you can count to 57, you can probably find BNN on your dial. If it's not part of your cable package, you should call me and I'll pay for you to have it installed and then you can just start keeping your tv on on Thursday nights at 8 pm while you cook, go out, Skype with relatives, or do other things. This way, I will be able to keep my job, although I may be very poor as a result. That's okay. We all make sacrifices. 

If you forget to track down BNN at 8 pm on Thursday evenings, starting Oct 7, or you're just trying to save money, which I can appreciate, you can also see Stock & Awe on Saturday evenings at 5:30 on CTV. CTV comes with your tv. So, that's convenient. Either way, you can watch Stock & Awe and then push off to your Saturday night dinner party or nightclub armed with hilarious conversation fodder about investing. Hilarious!

For example:

What do you call a lady who just made $10 000 on a commodities stock?


Your new girlfriend. That is... if you're interested. 

You get the picture. 

Bottom line is, it would be terrific if you'd watch. My boss calls Stock & Awe life thinly veiled as art. My life. 


Soft Focus.

I ran into my neighbour the other day on the street. We often leave notes for one another, just to check in, so it's always a surprise to see him in the flesh, even though we live across the hall. Frankly, he shouldn't be out at all, since he borrowed a friend's first season of The Wire over a year ago and still hasn't given it back. My neighbour should be spending all of his time watching tv. Anyway, he was out and looking snappy in a new pair of glasses -- his first -- which he'd picked up two hours earlier. It was the first time he'd seen clearly in years, he said. I told him the glasses looked great. 

"Last time you'll see me wearing them, Doyle. I miss two hours ago, when people were pretty."