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The People in My Neighbourhood (Vol 1)

He rose up out of the pavement on my way home. Maybe he popped out of an alleyway. Both seem equally plausible. He was very short. Not unusually short, but short. He wore a track suit and sunglasses. It was 2:30 am. it was misting rain, I was walking home, alone, looking much like a drowned rat. Again. It went like this...

"Damn, girl. You so fi-ine. Mmm hmm. Girl, whas yo' name? Mine's Big Splay-ash. Girl, i know what you thinkin'. Mmmm hmmm. Why Big Splay-ash? Well, Big Splay-ash named Big Splay-ash, because Big Splay-ash don't drink. So, if you think I'm gettin' in yo' face because I been drinkin', damn, girl, you wrong. Whas yo' name?"


"Mmm hmmm. Damn, girl. Hilary. Mmm hmmm. Exotic. Hilary. Thas exotic"

I could say the same about you, Big Splash.

Big Splash is walking backwards, as I speed up. We are getting dangerously close to my house.

"So, you and Big Splay-ash gonna hit the cluuub? Mmm hmm, we gonna hit the cluuub."

You know, Big Splash, I'm exhausted. Thanks, but I think I'm going to head to...

"Big Splay-ash ain't a guy you meet on the street. Big Splay-ash want yo' number."

Two blocks away.

Big Splash, you've lost your friends. I think you should head back and find them...

"Big Splay-ash is doin' his degree in po-LEE sci up at the York University. Big Splay-ash gonna wait till he gets yo number. You gonna like Big Splay-ash's dancing. You gonna dig us at the cluuuub"

Silence. We are one block away.

"It start with a four or with a six?"

Call it female intuition, but Big Splash does not live here. Big Splash commutes. Big Splash makes it down to the cluuuub once a week, and Big Splash wants to avoid the drive home. It is 2:45 am. Big Splay-ash is desperate. 

Big Splash. Look. Here's my number. You can call it any time, but I can promise you, I will never pick up. 

"No problem. Big Splay-ash gonna tex.                    When, exactly, should Big Splay-ash tex you? Should he tex you tonight? Should he tex you in the morning? Should he tex you now and then jus' wait for you to tex back?"

Play it by ear, Big Splash, just please don't expect a response. 

A selection of "texs" from Splash:

Dem girl. U r so hot. We need to link up. It's big splash.  (3:22 am)

Dem girl. U r so hot. We need to link up. It's big splash (3:35 am)

Sup sup sup

Hi Hilary?

Feeling stupidly guilty and kind of stunned by the persistence, I respond with: hi. I basically haven't left the office since we met. Hope all's well

Omg. u r a workaholic


How r ya

Let chill sometime. I know u r a workaholic



Its big splash

This still your phone?

I'm at the club. 


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Aren't you sorry you already wasted the Stalker & Awe headline?

BIG SPLASH is back!!! one of my all-time favourite stories for 2010. although this really should be a recorded story because i love the voice you use for him.

dem girl.

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